Fifty Shades…of Pisstivity.

So, the new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer was released to the world today.

Yeah…Not quite feeling it. Dakota Johnson does not channel Anastasia Steele very well, and who’s the dude playing Christian Grey?

As you may have surmised, I have read the books. Repeatedly. *ahem* Anyway, like most people who are voracious readers, I imagined the faces of the characters based on the descriptions provided by the author. Then, I imagined what they would look like in film adaptations, and prayed to the god(dess) of creativity that my choices would be realized. And now, I find myself painfully disappointed with casting director’s choices.

I imagined Ian Somerhalder, with his piercing eyes, dark hair, and strong jaw, as Christian Grey:

Ian Somerhalder

For Ana, I imagined a demure, petite actress with a baby face, dark hair, and big blue eyes – someone like Alexandra Daddario:

Alexandra-Daddario-14

Dakota Johnson is a natural blonde, and looks absolutely ridiculous with dark hair. Plus, despite her acting pedigree, she sucks unshaved walrus balls. And the only thing even mildly recognizable to me about Jamie Dornan is Once Upon a Time (which I’ve never actually watched; thank you, Google!).

I feel so superficial.

But dammit, I wanted who I wanted!

Anyway, the actual trailer is pretty steamy, though I strongly feel that the dope remake that Beyoncé did of her own “Crazy in Love” made it that way. Still, I think I can get past the miscastings and enjoy the film when it comes out ten days before my 36th birthday. In the meantime, I guess I’ll reread the books. XD

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